Monthly Archives: March 2011

Forget about it

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I got up the other morning ready to start my day with a plan of action clearly defined in my mind. Ready to get to it and clear some of those to-do items from my activity list, I was dressed, fed, a nice cup of steaming coffee in my hand, and heading to the door. As usual, I checked my pockets before closing the automatically-locking door behind me – good thing too as I had forgotten my car keys! No biggie – I turned around and headed to the little ceramic bowl where I always put my keys. But they weren’t there. Where had I left my keys?

I retraced my steps from the previous day trying to remember exactly where I had wandered upon arriving home the night before. Did I go to the kitchen first? Or did I head straight upstairs? Had I emptied my pockets or did I leave the contents in my pants? Where the heck were my keys?

Forget About It

One curse of growing older is the unavoidable reality of a diminished memory. How easy it becomes to misplace something and how much more challenging it seems to finally track down the missing culprit. We used to be proud of the speed at which we could access nimble memory banks to quickly call out the name of a song we heard  on the radio. It took but brief moments to associate the name with the face of a movie star. And Jeopardy was fun as opposed to what now more commonly proves to be confounding.

The gradual forgetfulness happens over time and to varying degrees but it will be our companion long into our retirement years.

Various “mind exercises” are available to fight back – crossword puzzles, Sudoku, bridge, memory games – and all likely have some positive impact. We can make a conscious effort to focus more on exactly what we are doing rather than act out of habit – for example saying out loud “I am putting my keys in the cat box” so we have a better chance of recalling the exact location. We can attempt to slow down our hectic pace of living so actions do not become a blur with little significance.

But the reality is we senior citizens are just not as sharp as we used to be (no offense intended – one senior to another).

Fear not -I believe I have discovered a silver lining. Our senior moments and dulling memories can be a blessing in disguise. What is he talking about you ask…just listen:

I am happy to forget

How terribly burdensome it would be if we remembered EVERY detail of our lives up to this point. What we ate, what we said, what we heard said, what we dreamed, what we did right and what we did wrong. If we remembered everything how could we even hope to keep it all straight?

The saying goes that women “forget” the real pain of childbirth or at least experience a softening around the edges or there would be very few second children born let alone number three or beyond.

I think that this softening of memories can be a positive thing. A few examples:

  • Whatever it was that my wife and I disputed the other night is not significant (as long as we have made peace). Better to move on and forget about it.
  • The same mistakes made by politicians and leaders of the world, over and over with the same predictable results – I choose to forget about it but I sure wish they did not.
  • Mistakes I may have made during my life cannot be undone. If I fret over them I only bring on stress that I cannot appease as I cannot change the past. Forget about it.
  • The price of gas not so long ago – I have no choice but to forget about it as I wipe a tear from my eye.
  • The feelings of loss and pain that have been scattered through the years. If we are unable to forget to some extent or at least soften around the edges our painful  memories, they remain ever-fresh and vivid, a part of each day. Unable to put them behind us we cannot move on to the acceptance stage that is necessary for our mental health. If only we could forget

Losing our keys or forgetting the name of a song are trifles that though annoying do not often endanger our lives.

Some things we are sad to forget but unfortunately have no control over what happens to our memory.

Some things we are better off forgetting.

When we have no choice in the matter and we become upset, when we feel like we are literally “losing it”, I recommend heeding the words of a wise gangster from the movies who so sagely said, “forget about it…”.

 

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What do I really NEED in retirement?

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Everywhere we look these days we find bountiful advice about how to best prepare for retirement.  Advisers who know absolutely nothing about us as individuals with lives as unique and different as snowflakes on a winter day are nevertheless confident about making recommendations that will dictate whether or not we will be happy once retired.

Save enough so that you can spend 4% each year; you will need at least 80% of your current earnings to live comfortably in retirement; downsizing is the way to go when you reach senior citizen status.

And these guidelines will facilitate a “happy retirement” according to whose definition of happy? Most of us cannot even agree on a movie to watch let alone what will ultimately provide us with a satisfying life in retirement. I am not sure that I trust someone who does not know me to make such a critical recommendation for me.

What is it that I really NEED in retirement to be content? If it was entirely up to me – actually it is – is there a magic formula?

Here is what I really NEED in retirement to be happy (WARNING: your mileage may vary…):

(1) My wife – my best friend, my confidant, my ever-tough backgammon opponent, my sanity in an insane world, my shelter from the storm, and my biggest fan who laughs at my jokes when others only gaze in wonder. Each day when we awake, we face each other, snuggle closer together, and embrace like it was the first time. We hold this position for minutes on days that we work, longer on weekends. But it is the starting point for every day and we are reminded of the special bond between us and never take each other for granted. Talk about the way to start your day!

(2) The ocean – each of us has some place that brings us a feeling of inner peace, where heart rates decrease, stress departs, and we just plain enjoy being. For me it is the beach. Constant rolling waves along distant shorelines with an ever-changing landscape of sand, shells, gnarly driftwood and whip-like seaweed are just the ticket. And it is not about necessarily living on the beach but just being able to walk there. Gas for the trip – $15; lunch for two $15; feeling I get when I am there – priceless.

(3) A house to live in - our mortgage is almost paid off. So the house is a little bigger than we may need just the four of us (two peoples, two cats). That is okay despite what the pundits recommend. So the neighborhood is changing – the good news is young families are moving in with their kids. Nothing makes me feel younger than watching youngsters playing around the neighborhood. And nothing serves better to remind me how lucky we are that OUR kids are raised! Traffic may be getting worse – where do I really have to be that cannot wait until rush hour is done and gone? Our house is a home – our home.

(4) Good health – the wild card that is a bit out of our immediate control. We do all we can with regular exercise, healthy diet (I actually drank a concoction this morning made of celery, carrots, lettuce, and kale with a little ginger thrown in for good measure. The nutrition is awesome and the taste is not really bad at all – trust me!) , moderate alcohol consumption (I do love my red wine), and just an overall focus on doing what is good for us. But we do not know what the cards have in store so we live each day and appreciate it and each other.

A happy retirement cannot be calculated or formulated with a one-size-fits-all mentality.

We are individuals with unique tastes and desires and definitions of what is happiness.

The trick is not to stress out about the right formula.

The trick is to figure out the real definition that fits – your definition of happiness.

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Family Matters- Active Adults Need to Cultivate Relationships, Not Abandon Them

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Guest blog for http://lovebeingretired.com

It’s easy for us to get wrapped up in our own lives and our own business. Everybody does it from time to time, but eventually we all come back to the reality that there are other people that are important. Or, at least, we should. In retirement, it is so easy for us to think only about our needs and our desires, and we deserve it for all that we’ve done in our lives. Add to that the children constantly ‘checking in’ on us and it can easily become second nature to abandon the relationships that we’ve held all of our lives because we cannot be bothered by being checked on or simply because we don’t want to feel like a burden.

 

Without relationships in your life, it will be difficult for you to maintain a healthy level of mental and physical well being. So many active adults have families with busy lives, which causes them to go by the wayside when things get busy. You see people less and less, get fewer phone calls, and somehow you learn to accept that this is just the way that it will be. Don’t let yourself believe this, at all. This is not how it has to be, and certainly not how it should be. You need to reach out to your family, your friends, and the people around you. You need to ask for help, attention, and ask for those relationships that are being put second to be put first.

 

There is nothing wrong with having independence and space, but you need to also make sure that you have strong relationships with your family and friends. During retirement, those relationships are often what set people apart. The ones with more relationships or better ones will have happier, healthier days in retirement while those who have fewer relationships or strained relationships will likely face more illness, depression, and loneliness as the years go on. Work on your relationships. Make sure that you stay in touch with your family and make yourself an active part of their lives. Make them an active part of yours. You’ll all be better for it in the end.

 

Contributed by Mary Albert, a blogger for a senior health web site that provides advice for the 55+ age group as well as medical alert reviews