Over the weekend we visited my folks to celebrate my mom’s 79th birthday. She and dad are going strong and we had a wonderful celebration of their lives as we relived some exciting and humorous past events including viewing the DVD from their 50th wedding anniversary a few years back. During the course of our conversations, the topic came up of who would take care of a parent who outlived their spouse. My sister and I live within 100 miles and our brother about twice distance that so visiting is an easy option. But who will step up should mom or dad or both need more than an occasional visit? If they can no longer safely take care of themselves, what would they do?
As we grow older alongside our spouse, we hope to be together always. This person at my side who has become an extension of who I am, who under no duress understands and accepts my various shortcomings and quirks, with who I share my wishes and dreams, is an integral part of my life. Growing old together is our chosen path and as we encounter challenges, we face them together. But unfortunately as we grow older, at some point that wonderful bond and strength that has served us so well for so long may just not be enough. We cannot make it just the two of us and we must search outside of us for assistance.
What can we do?
Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~ Jane Howard
The importance of family
There is no one more concerned for our welfare than our own family. We have been through this life together and nothing can change that. Ups and downs, good and bad family is forever. It is important to maintain ties with brothers and sisters and children and grandchildren. Though never easy to coordinate everyone’s busy schedules, we need to make the effort. Bringing various family members together to share and reminisce and build new memories is a must. Holidays and graduations, baptisms and weddings, anniversaries and just plain weekends all offer an opportunity to unite. By maintaining strong ties across the family, when someone needs help the resources available are impressive. The extended “family unit” is made up of many pieces that complement each other and make the whole stronger than the individual parts.
We prefer to remain independent for as long as we can. No one wants to be a burden. What can we do to remain independent as possible for as long as possible?
- Long Term Care insurance – according to the statistics, 2/3 of those over 65 will require extended care during their lifetimes with an average duration of three years. With nursing homes costing $70,000 per year for a shared room, these costs can literally break the bank. Long Term Care insurance can give you the assurance that should you need service your family will not have to pick up the bill.
- Retirement communities – it is never too early to take a look at the possibility of retiring to a senior community. Facilities today offer a supportive community of fellow seniors along with a social event calendar that would tire many younger folks! Retirement communities are no longer a place where people go to die but instead a place where they go to LIVE and enjoy. Many are set in beautiful surroundings away from the fast-paced-traffic-ridden areas yet close to amenities like shopping centers and movie theaters. In these communities, you can age in familiar surroundings with help close by should you require it. With baby boomers entering retirement, I believe that the next 10-20 years will show a big demand for retirement communities as people look for a safe and interesting place to settle down.
- Moving in with a family member – sometimes for whatever reason the best option is for a parent to move in with one of their children. Extended family can provide food and shelter and love without bankrupting anyone in the process. Grandparents can spend time with grandchildren with both sides learning to appreciate the other a bit more. Everyone needs to be sensitive to the fact that a new member to the household can disrupt the status quo. Tolerance is a virtue, patience is a must, and mutual consideration is the go word. It makes sense to have discussions early on about which child would be the best option for the parent(s) to move in with. Knowing up front helps to remove anxiety that the aging family member may feel. And having a logical discussion between the children ahead of time can prepare everyone just in case this option needs to be taken.
- In-home care – for some who just do not want to leave their home, the option for in-home professional care is a consideration. Having someone you trust stay with you to cook and clean and make sure you take your medications is preferred by some. The benefit is you stay in your home where you are comfortable. The challenge is finding a caregiver that you can trust and who has your best interests first and foremost. And not everyone will have this option should their health be to serious a concern. But for some, it is the way to go.
It is not an easy discussion to have but ignoring it will not make it go away.
If and when the time comes that a parent or other family member becomes too old or weak to take care of themselves, what will they do?
A little planning ahead of time can ease concerns and set the stage for action to be taken if needed.