Whats good for the goose

The old saying “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” was more than likely penned by a goose. (If anything, the saying should read in reverse – you know, a happy wife means a happy life!) The idea that what works for me is fine for you is at best narrow minded and at worst a recipe for disaster. There is little room for selfishness in a relationship that will have enough challenges already as we grow old together. Life should be about giving and getting, about making an effort and compromising for the better good.

 

In retirement where we spend most of our time in close proximity to our spouse, a successful plan of action requires behavior that is sensitive to the needs of all where both parties are happy within the situation. Independent activity and interests are an important piece of the puzzle but the majority of time will be spent together. I believe that in retirement, compromise and tolerance become the go words.

A relationship of mutual giving and tolerance typifies those successful marriages that we respect and envy. Older couples who have been together for 40-50-60 years have come to accept the little things that would quickly drive an otherwise sane person over the edge. A little annoying – perhaps – but we are committed to each other for the duration. How amazing it is  to look back from our senior point of view to that young couple of so many years gone by still together, for better or worse. All that elderly couples have gone through and survived builds a foundation based on shared memories and experiences, highs and lows, good times and not so good times. This mutual history is unique to each couple and if life becomes challenging as we know it can these bonds solidified with time can be our saving grace.

How significant  is it that papa Joe clacks his teeth eating  corn on the cob when he willingly worked two jobs during the early days to put baby Bobby through a private education? The Mrs is getting a bit forgetful as the years advance but not so long ago she was the wizard of Wall Street as she stretched meager earnings to cover all basic needs for the family. A successful record of making it this far together is the core that can assist us in the years ahead.

A great marriage is not when the “perfect couple” come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. ~ Dave Meurer

That said, what can the goose do for his gander and visa versa to assure that foundation does not weaken with the onslaught of time?

 

 

Do something to break up the routine – the same thing day in and day out becomes monotonous. And with no one in near proximity except for our spouse who do you think will bear the brunt of our restlessness? An unannounced dinner out at the new restaurant in town, a ballet for her even though he is not too keen on the whole danging-in-tights thing, flowers for no reason delivered to him or her, a back rub, a weekend away to the coast, or just doing that little something known only to you two that causes you both to laugh like kids and enjoy the moment.

– Show an interest in something that excites your spouse – it may not be your cup of tea but it is not just about the goose (or gander where appropriate). Fishing – the opera, a hockey game – a chick flick, monster trucks- shopping malls, sports bar – elegant dinner – you get the idea.

– Break out the photo album and relive the moments that brought you two to where you are right now.

Happy couples have learned how to keep both the goose and the gander satisfied.

It’s really a matter of making the effort to do the things that only you know are important to your spouse.

Don’t you want to see again that smile that results from that simple, silly something you do?

Make it happen…

Don’t forget to pick up a free copy of Navigating the Retirement Jungle, available upon request by mailing to lovebeingretired@hotmail.com.




Forget about it

I got up the other morning ready to start my day with a plan of action clearly defined in my mind. Ready to get to it and clear some of those to-do items from my activity list, I was dressed, fed, a nice cup of steaming coffee in my hand, and heading to the door. As usual, I checked my pockets before closing the automatically-locking door behind me – good thing too as I had forgotten my car keys! No biggie – I turned around and headed to the little ceramic bowl where I always put my keys. But they weren’t there. Where had I left my keys?

I retraced my steps from the previous day trying to remember exactly where I had wandered upon arriving home the night before. Did I go to the kitchen first? Or did I head straight upstairs? Had I emptied my pockets or did I leave the contents in my pants? Where the heck were my keys?

Forget About It

One curse of growing older is the unavoidable reality of a diminished memory. How easy it becomes to misplace something and how much more challenging it seems to finally track down the missing culprit. We used to be proud of the speed at which we could access nimble memory banks to quickly call out the name of a song we heard  on the radio. It took but brief moments to associate the name with the face of a movie star. And Jeopardy was fun as opposed to what now more commonly proves to be confounding.

The gradual forgetfulness happens over time and to varying degrees but it will be our companion long into our retirement years.

Various “mind exercises” are available to fight back – crossword puzzles, Sudoku, bridge, memory games – and all likely have some positive impact. We can make a conscious effort to focus more on exactly what we are doing rather than act out of habit – for example saying out loud “I am putting my keys in the cat box” so we have a better chance of recalling the exact location. We can attempt to slow down our hectic pace of living so actions do not become a blur with little significance.

But the reality is we senior citizens are just not as sharp as we used to be (no offense intended – one senior to another).

Fear not -I believe I have discovered a silver lining. Our senior moments and dulling memories can be a blessing in disguise. What is he talking about you ask…just listen:

I am happy to forget

How terribly burdensome it would be if we remembered EVERY detail of our lives up to this point. What we ate, what we said, what we heard said, what we dreamed, what we did right and what we did wrong. If we remembered everything how could we even hope to keep it all straight?

The saying goes that women “forget” the real pain of childbirth or at least experience a softening around the edges or there would be very few second children born let alone number three or beyond.

I think that this softening of memories can be a positive thing. A few examples:

  • Whatever it was that my wife and I disputed the other night is not significant (as long as we have made peace). Better to move on and forget about it.
  • The same mistakes made by politicians and leaders of the world, over and over with the same predictable results – I choose to forget about it but I sure wish they did not.
  • Mistakes I may have made during my life cannot be undone. If I fret over them I only bring on stress that I cannot appease as I cannot change the past. Forget about it.
  • The price of gas not so long ago – I have no choice but to forget about it as I wipe a tear from my eye.
  • The feelings of loss and pain that have been scattered through the years. If we are unable to forget to some extent or at least soften around the edges our painful  memories, they remain ever-fresh and vivid, a part of each day. Unable to put them behind us we cannot move on to the acceptance stage that is necessary for our mental health. If only we could forget

Losing our keys or forgetting the name of a song are trifles that though annoying do not often endanger our lives.

Some things we are sad to forget but unfortunately have no control over what happens to our memory.

Some things we are better off forgetting.

When we have no choice in the matter and we become upset, when we feel like we are literally “losing it”, I recommend heeding the words of a wise gangster from the movies who so sagely said, “forget about it…”.

 

Don’t forget to pick up a free copy of Navigating the Retirement Jungle, available upon request by mailing to lovebeingretired@hotmail.com.

 

 

 

 

What do I really NEED in retirement?

Everywhere we look these days we find bountiful advice about how to best prepare for retirement.  Advisers who know absolutely nothing about us as individuals with lives as unique and different as snowflakes on a winter day are nevertheless confident about making recommendations that will dictate whether or not we will be happy once retired.

Save enough so that you can spend 4% each year; you will need at least 80% of your current earnings to live comfortably in retirement; downsizing is the way to go when you reach senior citizen status.

And these guidelines will facilitate a “happy retirement” according to whose definition of happy? Most of us cannot even agree on a movie to watch let alone what will ultimately provide us with a satisfying life in retirement. I am not sure that I trust someone who does not know me to make such a critical recommendation for me.

What is it that I really NEED in retirement to be content? If it was entirely up to me – actually it is – is there a magic formula?

Here is what I really NEED in retirement to be happy (WARNING: your mileage may vary…):

(1) My wife – my best friend, my confidant, my ever-tough backgammon opponent, my sanity in an insane world, my shelter from the storm, and my biggest fan who laughs at my jokes when others only gaze in wonder. Each day when we awake, we face each other, snuggle closer together, and embrace like it was the first time. We hold this position for minutes on days that we work, longer on weekends. But it is the starting point for every day and we are reminded of the special bond between us and never take each other for granted. Talk about the way to start your day!

(2) The ocean – each of us has some place that brings us a feeling of inner peace, where heart rates decrease, stress departs, and we just plain enjoy being. For me it is the beach. Constant rolling waves along distant shorelines with an ever-changing landscape of sand, shells, gnarly driftwood and whip-like seaweed are just the ticket. And it is not about necessarily living on the beach but just being able to walk there. Gas for the trip – $15; lunch for two $15; feeling I get when I am there – priceless.

(3) A house to live in – our mortgage is almost paid off. So the house is a little bigger than we may need just the four of us (two peoples, two cats). That is okay despite what the pundits recommend. So the neighborhood is changing – the good news is young families are moving in with their kids. Nothing makes me feel younger than watching youngsters playing around the neighborhood. And nothing serves better to remind me how lucky we are that OUR kids are raised! Traffic may be getting worse – where do I really have to be that cannot wait until rush hour is done and gone? Our house is a home – our home.

(4) Good health – the wild card that is a bit out of our immediate control. We do all we can with regular exercise, healthy diet (I actually drank a concoction this morning made of celery, carrots, lettuce, and kale with a little ginger thrown in for good measure. The nutrition is awesome and the taste is not really bad at all – trust me!) , moderate alcohol consumption (I do love my red wine), and just an overall focus on doing what is good for us. But we do not know what the cards have in store so we live each day and appreciate it and each other.

A happy retirement cannot be calculated or formulated with a one-size-fits-all mentality.

We are individuals with unique tastes and desires and definitions of what is happiness.

The trick is not to stress out about the right formula.

The trick is to figure out the real definition that fits – your definition of happiness.

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